Wylde's Best: Books

During his time, Oscar was a prolific reader as well as writer. Throughout his life, he created his own personal library with his favorite books. What's not often known is that he would take books he somewhat liked and changed them to suit his purposes. These were never published but were under his ghost name of Illuminati Bastard.

Dracula

The Count is not Amused

Wylde was at his oldest when he read Bram Stoker's Dracula. According to various notes in the margins, he was aghast at the opportunities given up to add hot, sexual moments. especially between Lucy Westenra and whomever Oscar was thinking of at the time. He wrote an entire devoted to a circle jerk including Jonathan Harker, Lord Godalming, and Quincy Morris. Morris was rewritten to live through the final confrontation with Dracula. In this extra chapter, the three men discuss at length their adventure while masturbating over the Count's corpse.

Laura and Carmilla

A partially written chapter simply titled "Chapter XXX" (Dracula has 27 chapters) seems to continue Wylde's last chapter, with avid descriptions of homosexual intercourse and necrophilia. Jonathan Harker is noted to be seen skullfucking Dracula and yelling expletives while the other two men pleasure each other. The rest of the parchment is ruined so no one knows how the extra chapter ends.

Carmilla
Oscar Wylde kept a gilded copy of this short story in his dresser. Though few, his notes indicate that the author wastes time detailing the surroundings when he could have expanded the end of the story. He quips, "After so many chapters, the protagonists suddenly learn Carmilla is a vampire, find where she sleeps, and kill her in a single chapter. I guess it isn't that  I want less description, but I'd take it in exchange for a less abrupt ending." Curiously, Wylde's note are free of homosexual implications between Laura (the protagonist) and Carmilla.
Brave New World

Lenina from Brave New World; not a distraction

Wylde had rewritten an entire version of Brave New World before his death. He replaces the main character John with himself and changes an introspective journey into one of continuing debauchery. If you've ever read the book, perhaps for class, you know that in the opening chapters there are descriptions of naked children "playing" with each other. Never mind what that means in a school setting. Oscar puts himself, adult self, in the middle of the children and writes rather graphically about his actions.

Against all odds, he convinces Bernard Marx to have sex with him. This changes Marx forever and makes him into Wylde's play toy and subservient. He removes all ideas of being with Lenina. Speaking of whom, Oscar also rejects her due to his homosexual nature.

Helmholtz is written as a smut writer who ultimately finds success by letting Oscar ghost write for him, This avoids Helmholtz's exile in the original novel and serves to bolster Wylde's importance eve more. For his help, Wylde is given a special batch of soma that not only suppresses unwanted emotions, but also improves wanted emotions by magnitudes.

Conclusion
These are but three stories from Wylde's rewritten collection. Perhaps you have a different view of them now that you know what Oscar thinks of them. Let me know in the comments!

Wylde People: John McCain

Elmer Fudd's brother

Senator John McCain is an old fuddyduddy best known for his job as senator of Arizona. His favorite animal is the rino and he enjoys relaxing gum messages by neighborhood MILF-types. He is next best known for crashing planes and getting the crap beat out of him.

Sen. McCain has an office with decorated with rinos, an animal once thought to be extinct. It is not related to the rhino as its name implies. Instead, it is related to the chameleon. Like a chameleon, the rino changes its appearance to suit its surroundings. Being a social animal, it does this to win the favor of other animals. However, once it gets the attention it wants, it is known to use its massive jaws to swallow prey whole, even those friendly to it.

Notably, McCain has called his supporters terrorists, hobbits, and other foul names. Perhaps McCain forgot his time in Syria, where he tried to arm terrorist rebels, or maybe he's just an asspile. No one really knows. There are those who question his ways, namely Donald Trump. Just days ago, Trump slammed McCain saying, "So he crashed his fucking plane and got caught. He sang like a bird and now he's a hero. Give me a break! He was rewarded with drugs and women, which I'm sure are to blame for his decisions as senator."

Perhaps she "helped" John at the Hanoi Hilton?

Sen. McCain was outraged. In a 15 minute long diatribe, he slayed Trump in every way he could, including, "That nasty ass, comb-overed, business man is wrong about me! I'm a maverick! When I failed to eject from my plane properly, I ended up in the Hanoi Hilton. That makes me a war hero already! But there's more I'd like to say to that Twinkie eating buffoon! When I came to, I had been operated on. Obviously, the Vietnamese had implanted a mind control device in my head. Why else would I break under pressure and tell them everything they wanted to know? What's the big deal anyways? After the war, Nam and the USA traded a bunch of crap. I just gave them a head start is all. I"m a maverick! Tell Trump if he wants to finish this, meet me at the Texas-Mexican border with his favorite gun. I'll show him what a POW does to a piece of trash like him!"

Trump declined to comment further. I am reminded of the wise words of Oscar Wylde, "When you suck, people point it out. Sucking begets anger and reveals the true self." This implies that some of what each man said to the other was true. The Apostle Paul wrote in saying, "John McCain is a man of Yahweh. He wants war and that's great if you're into that Old Testament stuff." Mohammed refused to comment.

A Wylde Rush: Caitlyn Jenner

If you follow the news like I do, you'd know that Caitlyn Jenner was awarded the Arthur Ashe award at the ESPY's. There are rumors circulating that it was a sham and that Jenner payed off supporters in order to get the award. The matter is complicated further by the fact that any questions into the matter are labelled transphobic. I'm here to give you the serious facts so you can decide what the hell is going on here.

Caitlyn can't belive this shit.

First, let's explain the word transphobic for all of you confused citizens out there. If you could see this as I type, transphobic is underlined in red. It's not even a word! What on earth could it mean? Well, "trans" means across and of course "phobic" is of fear. Thus the word means "Someone with a fear of crossing." I suppose those questioning Caitlyn's award are afraid of crossing the street? We'll never know for sure, as none of the dissenters were allowed to speak long enough to explain themselves.

So what is the Arthur Ashe award? It's awarded to someone who shows courage; it actually extends beyond sports. Oscar Wylde commented, "What's the bloody point? Why not just make all of the ESPY's not about sports? Wankers." Others like Lauren Hill and Noah Galloway, who dealt with cancer and a loss of his legs respectively, were passed over for this award. According to ESPN, the reasoning was simple, "Everyone loves a tranny. They're just so weird and wonderful, especially when they have enough money for the best doctors."

I asked ESPN for further comment and got this short reply, "Caitlyn Jenner is a transsexual and therefore has achieved the highest qualification for the award. If Laverne Cox had transitioned more recently, we would have probably given her the award simply to remain hip."

Candis Cayne, Caitlyns' trans GF. Also not a distraction.

Rumors are circulating that ABC traded Caitlyn the award in exchange for sealing TV and interview deals. When I asked ABC for comment, I got this reply, "We're sorry, but we are unable to discuss this deal until it is final. The Arthur Ashe award may not be enough to seal Ms. Jenner's fealty to us. Have a rotten day, scum monkey."

Bob Costas, legendary vampire and anchor described this situation as, "Unsanitary in a mental way. I'd bang the hell out of Caitlyn but there were others more deserving of the award. Way to stay humble."

Candis Cayne, Jenner's BFF and maybe more refused to comment. Her agent did, however, leave me a brick in my hotel room with a note that had the same death threat in three different languages. I promptly mailed it back for a refund.

As a professional sayer of truths, I must admit even I don't know who to believe. The Apostle Paul wrote to me a small note saying "Burn the witch!" Mohammed has already declared Jihad on Jenner. My agent is refusing to let me comment.

Wylde Notions: Deism

Today for you I will be going over the true facts of Deism according to Oscar Wylde. Pay attention, as there will be a quiz at the end. DO NOT simply scroll back up to help you answer the questions. Use a #2 pencil and wide ruled paper in the comments section. If you think it's funny to answer Yes Please to a question, think again, because this is serious stuff all the time.

Not a deist

What is a deist? According to Mr. Wylde, a deist is someone who answers "Yes Please!" to "Is there a god?" Further, a deist answers "Yes Please!" when asked, "Do you want fries with that?" Deists usually believe in a creator due to the Infinite Regress fallacy. According to Oscar, the IRF is "a big pain in the ass for atheists and they should suck it." On this blog, sucking it is optional as Oscar isn't here to enforce it.

So what about Yahweh or Allah, for example? Allah wasn't available for comment, but according to Oscar, Mohammed replied "Allahu akbar!" and promptly exploded. As for Jehovah/Elohim/Yahweh, the apostle Paul replied, "Y'all motherfuckers need Jesus. That homo Wylde ain't no deist and that's that. Besides, I'm too depressed to do much besides fill out the New Testament."

Not A distaction

Deists can differ on many points. As Wylde points out in his memoirs Fucked Silly in Paris, "Some deists like miracles, some don't. I'm not a deist so bugger if I know." Other forms of intervention and prayer are also key points. The Apostle Paul replied to this point saying, "Deists are too cowardly to pray. They refuse to ask for the bludgeoning they need to be made whole in Christ. They really need that beating to be as humble as I am."

So why do people become deists? According to my personal source, me, there are few points I made. For example, if Yahweh is the same forever, why does he grant salvation to only pious Jews, then kills them anyways, then eventually let's everyone in on eternal life unless Matt 15:24 is true and Gentiles are all fucked? Another point could be that a believer isn't really comfortable with a god who would slaughter infants.

An abortionist I interviewed laconically told me, "Ya know, I'm doing Yahweh's work, killing the infants of the infidels. I don't listen to that New Testament crap."

There are other reasons as you may guess. Matthew 15:24 is at odds with the message of John 3:16. The former verse has Jesus saying he came only for Israel. John 3:16 says he was sent for the world. This is known by Wylde as "bullshit" and by logicians as a "contradiction" (sometimes spelled contradicktion by Wylde). Is salavation only for the barbaric Jews? Or is it for everyone? How are we supposed to know if Inerrant Scripture can't tell us?

Seriously, ask a Jew about his culture and see how much of the Torah is brought up. The old books and laws may even be quoted, but not the Torah. Too much blood and gore, they said.

Now for the quiz:

1) According to Oscar Wylde, what is a deist?
2) Did Mohammed explode before or after yelling "Allahu akbar!"
3) What did the Apostle Paul do in his free time?
4) Name this person:

 5) Name the abortionist I quoted.
6) Who is known for the quote "It's time to beat the meat puppet!"?

Submit your answers below in the comments!

A Wylde Rush: Cosby Edition

I'd like to take the time to write the facts on Bill Cosby and his drug fetish. Over the last week I've heard confusing news stories and quotes, so I'd like to clear the air with no distractions.

Cosby drugged every single one of them.

Let's review what we know. Over the last year, every woman and their mothers came out accusing Cosby of trying to further their careers. This annoyed Cosby and in most cases he denied doing such a thing. The times he did help further a career, he insisted that each woman took a special drug to make them better at acting.

Cosby Cat was the one to collect the drugs

Not a distraction

So how did Cosby get away with it all? Until recently, he was able to pin the whole thing on his accomplice, Cosby Cat (pictured here). Cat was the one to get the drugs for Bill. and once Cat mentioned going public, Bill became furious and blamed Cat for everything. Bill made up the story that while he was attending to something else, Cosby Cat would drug the women. Then, Bill stated emphatically, Cat would put on a Bill Cosby Mask and attach a strap-on so he could molest the women involved (some pictured above).

Cat's lawyer wasted no time in collecting stories from the victims. They recollected only colors and shapes, so Cat was out of luck. All of the women remembered a black shadow looming over them and the feeling of a phallus in different places.

To save himself, Cat threw his life on the mercy of the court. Once he confessed to getting the drugs for Bill, he was let go on probation due to his help. Bill is now wanted for 523 acts of molestation, 757 counts of sexual assault, and various other charges. When asked to comment in an interview, Bill said, "As my friend OJ would say, if I did it, I didn't get caught. At least until that damn cat lied about me." 

It's going to be a Wylde Ryde

First, I'd like to thank my hero, Oscar Wilde for the inspiration to start this blog. He came to me in a dream one night and I asked him, "What are you doing here? What do you want?" He responded, "I want you to start a blog about serious things for me, as I am dead." I thought this was a rude interruption to my dream and said, "And how do you ask?" He grinned ear to ear and yelled "YES PLEASE!" Satisfied, I began plotting the serious nature and material of this blog. As "Wilde Time" is already taken, I had to change the I's to Y's. This is a serious change but it cannot be helped.

Let me remind you once again, this is serious stuff! When I say that someone is a pigfaced, smelly fathead, I'm not trying to start something, I'm just reporting something in a serious way. "Only the facts, ma'am" and that sort of thing. Rarely, I will inject my opinion to elucidate what I am reporting so that it stands out more. I have decided not to mark this in any way, as it would detract from the serious nature of this blog.

For example, when Michael Vick was arrested on dogfighting charges, a section would look something like this:

Michael Vick was recently apprehended by police for information regarding dog fights that he was allegedly part of. Vick denied these claims, but the officers pressed further. "Is it true that you yell 'Go Lillipup!' and then hurl your dog into the ring?" Vick replied smugly, "Naw dawg, I yell, 'Eat his face, Growlithe!' For serious man, learn your Pokey Manz." Police then arrested Vick due to his indirect confession. I would have yelled, "Go, Raikou!" but that's just me.

Not a distraction

Not a distraction.

As you can see by that last line, I highlighted Vick's comments by adding my own. Recall that this is a serious blog with serious stories. There are no distractions or other nonsense preventing you from getting the best information possible. Look forward to updates on politics, deism and religion, sexy tyme stuff, and more!