A Wylde Rush: Caitlyn Jenner

If you follow the news like I do, you'd know that Caitlyn Jenner was awarded the Arthur Ashe award at the ESPY's. There are rumors circulating that it was a sham and that Jenner payed off supporters in order to get the award. The matter is complicated further by the fact that any questions into the matter are labelled transphobic. I'm here to give you the serious facts so you can decide what the hell is going on here.

Caitlyn can't belive this shit.

First, let's explain the word transphobic for all of you confused citizens out there. If you could see this as I type, transphobic is underlined in red. It's not even a word! What on earth could it mean? Well, "trans" means across and of course "phobic" is of fear. Thus the word means "Someone with a fear of crossing." I suppose those questioning Caitlyn's award are afraid of crossing the street? We'll never know for sure, as none of the dissenters were allowed to speak long enough to explain themselves.

So what is the Arthur Ashe award? It's awarded to someone who shows courage; it actually extends beyond sports. Oscar Wylde commented, "What's the bloody point? Why not just make all of the ESPY's not about sports? Wankers." Others like Lauren Hill and Noah Galloway, who dealt with cancer and a loss of his legs respectively, were passed over for this award. According to ESPN, the reasoning was simple, "Everyone loves a tranny. They're just so weird and wonderful, especially when they have enough money for the best doctors."

I asked ESPN for further comment and got this short reply, "Caitlyn Jenner is a transsexual and therefore has achieved the highest qualification for the award. If Laverne Cox had transitioned more recently, we would have probably given her the award simply to remain hip."

Candis Cayne, Caitlyns' trans GF. Also not a distraction.

Rumors are circulating that ABC traded Caitlyn the award in exchange for sealing TV and interview deals. When I asked ABC for comment, I got this reply, "We're sorry, but we are unable to discuss this deal until it is final. The Arthur Ashe award may not be enough to seal Ms. Jenner's fealty to us. Have a rotten day, scum monkey."

Bob Costas, legendary vampire and anchor described this situation as, "Unsanitary in a mental way. I'd bang the hell out of Caitlyn but there were others more deserving of the award. Way to stay humble."

Candis Cayne, Jenner's BFF and maybe more refused to comment. Her agent did, however, leave me a brick in my hotel room with a note that had the same death threat in three different languages. I promptly mailed it back for a refund.

As a professional sayer of truths, I must admit even I don't know who to believe. The Apostle Paul wrote to me a small note saying "Burn the witch!" Mohammed has already declared Jihad on Jenner. My agent is refusing to let me comment.